Wednesday, August 13, 2014

So Much Saddness

Hello world, sorry I've been gone awhile. Summer has been hectic, chaotic, and, just plain crazy. First, I start with a jab to insurance companies. They have denied Bryce's therapies for this year, so we are in limbo. Once they go back to school (Tuesday, Yay!) I will have more time to really look into this and see if we just need to move to a different place, which is gonna suck because it took forever to find a place I felt was actually helping him. So, yeah, I'm not happy with Insurance companies. So, I have not had to run across town twice a week this summer, so we've spent some time at the water park and amusement park, but most our time at home, as this has been a very wet and odd summer. Lots of games and movies and books. Lots and lots of books. It was nice, actually.

Then this week happened. My heart is broken at the news of Robin Williams. I may not have known the man personally, but he was someone that I could always rely on to make me laugh. Especially through the journey we've been taking the last 5 years. Especially, after reading an article during the early stages of our Autism journey, that said he was also an Aspie. I do not know if this was true or not, to be completely honest, but it isn't surprising really. Now, though, I sit here and wonder, if he had been an Aspie, had he gotten the help needed as a child and an adult to learn to deal, maybe he would still be with us today. Even if he wasn't an Aspie, I have to wonder the same thing. Mental Illness, whether it Autism or Depression, Anxiety or Schizophrenia, Learning Disorders or Dyslexia, ODD or ADHD, no matter what they are, takes it's toll on the person and their family. Unless you have lived it, you have no idea what it is like to hear your 9 year old child tell you he wants to kill himself. It's heart wrenching.  And all he did was say it, I don't even want to imagine what Robin's family is going through right now. The sadness they must feel. The guilt that they didn't help him enough. The anger that he would take his own life, leaving them here to suffer the loss. We all can spout off how "suicide is not the answer" all day long, but unless you've been on that side, you have no idea what it's like. None. I do. I was there once. I tried to. I took a lot of meds and laid down, with a note on my nightstand. Had my roommate not forgotten something, and come back early, well, lets just say, I probably wouldn't be here today. But she did. She found the note, couldn't rouse me, and called 911. I woke up in ICU the next morning. I am so thankful for her today, as she saved my life that night. No words could ever express my gratitude. I was able to receive help, to realize, life is so precious and so short, and nothing is worth ending your life. But, I GOT help. I couldn't do it on my own. People don't understand how hopeless life looks from that side. How it feels to be so completely lost and alone. You don't think how much people will miss you, in fact, depression has told you that no one will. That their lives would be better if you were gone. That no one loves you. DEPRESSION LIES. It's not just a tag line, it's the truth. It lies. I know how Robin must have felt before he tied that belt. It's a hole that only those that have been down will ever understand. I wish he had seen the light. I wish he had received the help he desperately needed. Because one thing he didn't understand was, the world is a darker place without him in it. The only thing I can hope is, his death will inspire others to get help. That no one else will be lost to the dark monster that is depression. That no one else will ever hear it's lies and take that leap. So, I end this note with this thought... Robin, wherever you are, I truly hope your tortured soul is at rest, that those demons that you fought for so long are finally gone forever. Rest In Paradise. We love you, and will miss your smile.